I am afraid of hunger

I think I am afraid of being hungry. I have just begun a study on the Song of Songs. It has already stirred and convicted me. Even as I begin this study, my mind is racing around with all the things I could do instead, and my stomach is sending ice-cream cravings to my brain… I just read the following…“This inward urge is the beginning of all progress. Spiritual edification can never be separated from a pursuit that is based on hunger and thirst. If the Holy Spirit has not put a real dissatisfaction with a general relationship and a pursuit for personal affection in a believer, he can never expect to have an intimate experience of the Lord. This pursuit is the basis for all future experience… Indeed, His Love is better than wine. Of everything that brings us joy, elation and excitement, the Holy Spirit shows us that nothing can be compared with His love. Once we have seen and known His love, is there anything under the sun that can compare with it?” (Watchman Nee, The Song of Songs)

I find it funny that even as I read about the hunger given to me by the Holy Spirit, I am at the same time afraid to experience this hunger. Even as my spirit awakens and says ‘Yes! I am hungry for God!” I also have the urge to run far away and satisfy this hunger in something – anything! To exerperience hunger is to experience weakness. It’s to say, yes, I really need God. Apart from Him I can do nothing. Frankly, my flesh really does not like weakness. When someone points out my weakness I get angry and defensive. And I just want to justify myself and attack them.

It’s like when my roommates ask me to do something different from how I want to do it. I tend to spend a few minutes thinking about how their way is so illogical and insane. I feel annoyed and frustrated. I dream about the day when I can set ‘my own rules and do things my way’. (ha – like that will every happen!) Then, I stop and realize, wait, why am I so upset about this. I am upset about it, because I want things my way. Oy that sinful nature.

The truth is that His love is better than wine. Nothing in this world will satisfy my hunger. It’s just hard to sit in this place of hunger. Sitting and waiting. Waiting and watching. Watching and sitting. (Growl – I just want to do something!). Again, sitting and waiting, stomach rumbling, hunger for God. pant, long, restrain limbs which want to run fast and far away, and again pant and hunger.

God, I will wait and I will watch. Until You have a resting place. Until You come. I hunger for you.

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